What do you do if your career comes to an end and you have no way of getting a job? You go in search of opportunity — like the millions of Irish farmers who fled the Potato Famine in the 1850s, or like the hoboes who rode the rails during the Great Depression.
Joining their ranks will be famous plagiarist Undoctor Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg. Unable to be taken seriously in Germany, he is planning to move to the United States — Connecticut, to be precise — allegedly to write a book and give lectures.
No, I did not!
As though Americans would pay to hear lectures by a fake-looking European aristocrat they’ve never heard of. The two things he was able to do as defense minister — explaining away a bombing of civilians in Afghanistan and introducing a volunteer army in Germany — are things America has been perfectly able to do on its own. And would he really write that book himself?
Comments submitted to the English-language newspaper The Local were priceless:
germirror wrote: “Guttenberg moving to the States to write a book. We should warn him, ’cause copyright law is stronger there than in Germany and is punished more severely.”
lunchbreak wrote: “Moving to the US to write a book? More likely moving to the US to escape his notoriety. Here everyone points him out in the supermarket.”
iseedaftpeople wrote: “I believe the headline should read ‘…to have a book written’. … In any case, please, America, keep him for good.”
MaKo wrote: “Oak Ridge, Tennessee, is scheduled to take on a load of German nuclear waste, so this does seem to fit the emerging pattern.”
Why should he expect the US to give him a visa? And how could America possibly profit from harboring this crook? The only thing he has to offer is… Aha!
…the one thing America needs: money. It’s a little-known secret that you can go to any country without a job and get permanent residency if you bring enough money with you. The minimum amount appears to be around $20 million.
What America could do is get Guttenberg (he’ll have to get rid of the “zu” as well as the hair grease) to use his €800 million fortune to help pay off the national debt. I say if he does that, give him full citizenship and a yacht, too — right away.
The last-minute agreement reached by Congress on Tuesday was only about future spending. It allows the debt to grow, without any of it being paid off. So unless taxes are raised — which nobody seems to want to do — the US will need all the money it can get.
Here’s an offer
Aside from accepting rich immigrants, there’s another strategy that might work: selling off assets. What did the French do when they were short of cash? They sold us the Louisiana Territory. What did Spain do? It sold us Florida. So, Mr. Obama and Mr. Böhner, it’s time to have a sale. In the spirit of patriotism, and as suggested by my colleague Rita Forbes, I am offering to buy Montana.
I can see myself standing on the steps of the courthouse in Billings or Helena or wherever the capital is, proclaiming: “People of Montana, as your king, I promise to let you keep all the rights you have now. However, I will reinstate the tilde that once graced your fine Spanish name.” Montaña: doesn’t that sound nice?
I wouldn’t really do anything with Montaña; it would just be nice to look at and have on hand. Maybe it’ll increase in value. While we’re at it, New Mexico could be sold back to Old Mexico, thus resolving any confusion over the name. Canada and Russia have both had their eye on Alaska for some time; maybe a deal could be struck there. And, of course, in the movie Americathon, San Diego is sold to Mexico and renamed Tijuana Heights. It’s an obvious solution.
On second thought, I probably shouldn’t become king, because I don’t believe in kings, just as I don’t believe in fake-looking aristocrats. Maybe I’ll just donate Montaña to charity instead.
