Haufenwolke, a reader of this column, says I don’t deserve to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. So I’ve decided to step up my efforts.
Like most people, I wish for peace on Earth on December 24. But wishing alone won’t stop the inconsiderate behavior of others. Actions must follow. So here are 20 simple suggestions that could be put in place almost immediately.
Public activities
- All cars will be fitted with thick rubber bumpers like the ones in amusement parks. Insurance companies will be made to pay for any and all damage that still occurs.
- Calls from known telemarketers will be diverted to a number that plays a recording of “Ewok Celebration”. Brave citizens will recite the rap in Ewokese (about four minutes in) to any telemarketers who get through.
- Each European country will choose a month in which all repairs to important building façades will be done at the same time. Tourists will be told which month this is, and will return the following month to take photos.
- When contemplating new building projects, governments will automatically add 50 percent to the expected cost and six months to the completion time, to give a realistic estimate. The contractors will then be given a fixed sum of money and no more.
- The site answers.yahoo.com will come with a warning that the users are teenagers who pull their explanations out of thin air.
- Banks and government offices will have evening hours. They may stay closed on Wednesdays to make up for this.
- Babies will not be allowed on airplanes during takeoff or landing. They can be on the plane, but just not during takeoff or landing.
Health and hygiene
- One third of men, and 12 percent of women, do not wash their hands when leaving the restroom. If they did, we wouldn’t have to worry about swine flu or many other diseases. To ensure the survival of the human race, users of public restrooms will have to insert both hands into a special device that cleans them, in order to avoid being locked in.
- Noise pollution is one of the biggest causes of stress and is the most ignored health issue of our time. Thus, anyone caught using a leafblower will be handed a rake or broom and made to do 100 hours of community service.
- Loud co-workers and alpha males should be reminded that others can hear them perfectly well, and that hearing tests can be done for free.
- “Scent police” in public areas will stop people who do not bathe regularly and hand them a bar of soap and a reprimand. On hot days, the scent police will be doubled in number. This will help to reduce unemployment.
- The legal age for buying cigarettes will be raised to 50. If you still want to take up smoking at that age, then go ahead (but do it outdoors).
- An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Therefore, a lot more tax money must be used to raise awareness of, and fight, mental-health issues.
- All websites, including this one, will be redesigned with proper-sized type, to reflect the fact that people have been using 96 or 100 dpi screens for some time and that we are all ruining our eyesight.*
Global politics
- Israel and Palestine will put aside their walls and weapons and compete for territory in a series of soccer games to be played in downtown Jerusalem. The results will be binding.
- Milquetoasts like Ban Ki-moon will be a thing of the past when Arnold Schwarzenegger is made secretary general of the UN. He will adopt a threatening tone to nations that encourage genocide, ocean piracy and illegal enrichment of uranium.
- Leaders of rebel groups such as ETA will be locked in a room with Bono Vox, who will break the news that the world does not give a rat’s ass about them. The rebels will be forced to listen to U2 until they get with the program and also realize that Bono can’t sing. A similar summit will be held for owners of car alarms.
- 9/11 will be properly investigated, with all witnesses under oath this time and all information made public. Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice will be connected to lie detectors at all times and will be given small electric shocks whenever they claim not to remember anything.
- All products made in China will be safety-tested in laboratories instead of on their, and our, children and pets.
- Washington state will admit that having the same name as the nation’s capital is not a good idea, and will shut down operations until a new name can be found. The state of Georgia and the country of Georgia will decide who gets to keep the name in a game of rock-paper-scissors (best out of three). Similarly, all countries that call their currency the “dollar”, except the United States, will have until 2012 to come up with a new name.
The great thing is that we don’t need to follow all of these steps right away. Any one of them would be a contribution to world peace. So maybe now you can put in a word for me with the Nobel Committee. I wish you peaceful and conflict-free holidays.
*Update, April 2015: I was able to do this one myself when moving this column to its own website. Enjoy the readability!
